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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27702116">A mind in ruins</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jotunemo/pseuds/jotunemo'>jotunemo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aftermath, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, But it's too late, Gen, He is trying, Loki Angst, Loki Feels, Loki Needs a Million Hugs, Loki Whump, Loki ends up with Thanos but finds his way back home somehow, Mind Control, Mindbreak, Odin's Bad Parenting (Marvel), Other, Post-Thor (2011), Protective Thor, The Avengers (2012) Never Happened, Thor Needs A Hug Too, Thor POV, hurt without comfort, i kid you not, kind of, no happy ending, this is the worst i ever wrote</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 07:02:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,164</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27702116</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jotunemo/pseuds/jotunemo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki manages to escape Thanos and return to Asgard but he is no longer the same.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Loki &amp; Thor (Marvel)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>121</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A mind in ruins</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I found this on my hard drive earlier today and decided to edit and publish it. I don't actually recall writing it because much of this year is kind of a blur for obvious reasons. I do think it might have been inspired by something I once read on here though, so if you recognize any similarities, please let me know, so I can give proper credit.</p><p>And, really, don't expect anything happy because you won't find happy in this one.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The God of Thunder senses it in the magic pulsating through the Realm Eternal that something is amiss when he retreats to his chambers that night. The night is no different from any other night he spent on Asgard after Loki let go of their father’s staff, forcing Thor to watch the void lurking beneath the stars devour the body of his younger brother.</p><p>Adoptive brother.</p><p>But brother, still. At least in Thor’s heart, they are still brothers. Loki seemed to have different thoughts on that matter towards the end but the Thunderer chooses not to dwell on the intricate workings of Loki’s troubled mind. He chooses to remember him as he was when he was young—intelligent, fierce, curious, loyal. The grief is more bearable this way.</p><p>But on this night, as an eerie glamour wafts through the air, raising the hairs on Thor’s arms and neck, creeping down his spine and legs right to the heels of his feet, the memories of their fight on the Rainbow Bridge break forth from the farthest corner of his mind into which he banished them. He sees Loki in the observatory as if no time passed at all, clearly sees the tears shimmering in his brother’s eyes as he lunged towards him, trying to fight him, threatening to hurt Jane and unleashing the full force of the Bifröst upon Jotunheim against their father’s orders. He sees them both tumble off the bridge, rescued by Odin Allfather just in time.</p><p>Well, for Thor, it was just in time.</p><p>For Loki, all help, all support, all encouragement came years too late.</p><p>Suddenly, it feels as if his brother is there with him again and Thor’s chest yawns open. He tries to shake off the sensation but tears spring to his eyes unbidden. He wipes them away angrily, chiding himself for succumbing to the foolery of indulging in wishful thinking after one-hundred-ninety-one days of waiting just because he imbibed a few cups of mead too many at the royal dinner.</p><p><em>Damn you</em>,<em> brother</em>. <em>Look what you are doing to me</em>. <em>I still miss you</em>, <em>you norndamned fool</em>. <em>We were never meant to live without each other</em>. <em>How could you do this to me</em>?</p><p>Before Thor becomes fully aware of where he is walking, his emotions have carried him towards his brother’s chambers and he hesitates on the threshold, hands hovering over the handle, still feeling like the accursed oaf that he is sometimes. He pushes the door open, the pangs of grief stabbing into his heart and lungs when he walks into the rooms that Queen Frigga ordered will not be disturbed except for the purpose of cleaning. Loki’s bed is freshly made, untouched sheets mockingly awaiting the second prince’s return to Asgard. His bookshelves have not been touched. His desk is as he left it, a pile of books neatly stacked upon it.</p><p>It almost feels as if the chambers are taunting him and Thor knows he needs to retreat to his own bed for a sorely needed slumber. Yet, when he turns to leave, a glint registers on the edge of his vision. Hope and terror slam into the Thundergod when the light spilling into the room from under the door to his brother’s bath registers with his consciousness.</p><p>“Loki?”</p><p>The name he hasn’t spoken in so long comes out in a trembling croak and the sound of it makes his heart lurch with longing. He approaches the door, every nerve in his body straining with unease. He knocks softly. “Loki? Are you there?” Thor asks but receives no response.</p><p>He swallows and pushes the handle down.</p><p>The bathroom is dimly lit, revealing a crumpled body lying on the floor by the bathtub, feet bare, soles cut up, skinny limbs dressed in dirty, blood-stained rags sprawled out from an emaciated frame, face covered by long, entangled black curls. Thor drops to his knees, reaching for the body’s shoulders, a firework filled with pure terror exploding in his chest.</p><p>“Loki?” asks Thor as he brushes the hair away with trembling fingers.</p><p>Yes, it is Loki.</p><p>His little brother.</p><p>In the worst shape he ever saw him in.</p><p>His face is sunken, ghostly pale skin stretched tight over razor-sharp cheekbones, nasty, dark purple bruising spreading across his left eye and cheek. His lip is swollen. There are dark brown marks with a touch of red on his neck, his wrists, his ankles.</p><p><em>The Norns be damned</em>.</p><p>Thor pictured terrible things to himself of what might have happened to Loki after he fell in case he even <em>survived</em> plunging into the abyss of the void while simultaneously beginning to understand the role he unwittingly played in the downward spiral of Loki’s madness. He had a vague idea of it before but it wasn’t until after Loki exited his life in the most dramatic way possible that he truly recognized the impact his actions must have had upon his brother’s mind. As always, it was just a tiny little bit too late by then and, for the sake of his own sanity, Thor reconciled himself with the fact that he would never see his brother again. That he was dead.</p><p>In the vice grip of terror, Thor needs a moment to realize that he may be dead <em>now</em>.</p><p>He grabs Loki’s neck, frantically reaching for a pulse but he can’t be sure if he would even hear anything over his own heartbeat thundering in his ears. “<em>LOKI</em>!” He shakes him again, even more violently, feeling his little brother’s sharp bones beneath his palms.</p><p>Finally, Loki’s eyelids begin to flutter.</p><p>“By all the Realms, Loki!” Thor screams, unaware that he is shouting. “What happened to you? Where were you? Who did this? Are you alright?”</p><p><em>What a foolish question</em>.</p><p>Loki blinks and he squeezes his shoulders for reassurance or comfort or whatever else but the grip does the exact opposite. Loki’s eyes snap open wide, raw terror flashing through them, and he stares at Thor without recognition for the fraction of a second.</p><p>And then, he begins to scream.</p><p>No, he does not <em>scream</em>, Thor corrects himself, because what is coming out of his brother’s mouth is not an Aesir scream. It is the harrowing howl of a terrified hellhound, throaty and bloodcurdling. Thor squeezes him again, out of instinct, telling him that it is <em>him</em>, but there is no sign of recognition in his brother’s eyes. “I am sorry that I gave you a fright but it is me, brother, it’s <em>me</em>!” His voice grows louder and shriller but so do Loki’s cries as he starts thrashing in his grip, trying to break away from him.</p><p>“Brother, what …” The words die on his tongue as Loki’s hands jolt up, blindly punching the air. Thor tries to steady him, shushing him, “Look, it’s me, it’s me,” but Loki’s body begins to spasm and then one of his hands does find Thor’s face. It is a pitiful punch but Thor’s grip slackens out of shock and surprise nonetheless. Loki uses the opportunity to tear loose from him then, his screams transforming into rapid shallow gasps as he rolls over and crawls away.</p><p><em>Crawls away</em>.</p><p><em>On all fours</em>.</p><p><em>Like a wounded animal</em>.</p><p>The altercation has pulled up Loki’s shirt a little and Thor can see horrible marks on his back where his skin is showing. He knows what those marks are but in his state of terror, his mind does not tell him the answer. His mind does not provide him with <em>any</em> valuable cognitive output as he watches Loki crawl away on wobbly arms until he has reached a corner, into which he retreats as if he could burrow into the wall, pulls up his legs and hugs them close to his chest, burying his head between his knees, choking on violent sobs.</p><p>Thor witnessed Loki in varying stages of hysteria over the years and some of these images flash through his mind now, coalescing with the sight before him. Loki crying himself hoarse as a young boy after a nightmare, his tears refusing to run dry until Thor promised him he would not leave his bed until daybreak. Loki crumbling into a heap when the Warriors Three denied his requests to accompany them on a quest. Loki’s expression rapidly changing from sad terror to anger to a mask of indifference within seconds in the final week they spent together. Loki sneaking Frost Giants into Asgard to thwart Thor’s coronation because he was jealous. Loki telling him the lie of their father’s passing without a hint of remorse in his tone as he shattered Thor’s world to pieces. Loki sending the Destroyer to lay waste to a small, innocent Midgardian town, hurting powerless mortals, hurting his own brother, attempting to kill him and almost succeeding, attempting to obliterate the whole of Jotunheim and almost succeeding with this as well.</p><p>Loki letting go when he realized what he did.</p><p>When he realized he would have to face the Allfather’s punishment.</p><p>And now, Loki has returned from wherever he landed after plunging into the abyss, cowering before his own brother, huddled in a corner like a frightened beast.</p><p>It takes the God of Thunder a moment to regain his senses. To let go of past grudges. To start inching closer to Loki on all fours himself, trying to keep his voice as low and soft as his usually so thunderous vocal cords allow him. “There is no need to be scared,” he whispers, trying to think of something to say to someone who apparently no longer recognizes him. “This is your home. You are back home. You came back to us, to your family.” Thor does not know whether his brother hears him but Loki’s sobbing seems to recede after a while, so he keeps crawling towards him, keeps talking. “You are safe here. There is no need to be afraid. I am your brother. I wouldn’t ever hurt you. I just want to make sure that you haven’t been hurt too badly.”</p><p>Loki blubbers something but raises his head the tiniest little bit, his green eyes peeking at him through the entangled, greasy strands of black hair covering most of his face. Thor wonders briefly when he last came into contact with running water before he discards the thought as irrelevant. “It is me,” Thor repeats for what feels like the twentieth time before something pierces his consciousness. “Thor.” He pauses a beat.</p><p>Loki raises his head some more and he blinks.</p><p>“It is me, <em>Thor</em>,” he repeats. “Your brother Thor. Well, adoptive brother,” he adds, learning from past mistakes, “but still.”</p><p>Loki begins to whimper and Thor doesn’t know whether it is his imagination or not, but the whimper does sound like his name.</p><p>“Can I come closer?” Thor asks carefully and Loki gives a vague nod, although that too is hard to tell but the greasy strands of his spiky hair moved a little and that is enough for him to proceed. He advances at snail speed, holding out his hands towards him when he’s almost reached him as if Loki is a starved stray dog whose trust he is trying to win.</p><p>Tears well into Thor’s eyes because the comparison is so accurate that it robs his body of its basest ability to draw breath and he begins to understand that whatever Loki has been through since he fell has been far worse than death. “You are home now. You are safe, do you hear me? No one can hurt you here,” Thor whispers even though that is not true, is it, because the God of Thunder himself hurt his trickster brother in these walls without even realizing it. Not to mention their father. <em>His father</em>. That old bastard whom Thor admired all his life only to realize that he did not seem to mourn Loki at all, let alone put forth an effort to find his missing son.</p><p>Thor would do anything to go back and do a whole lot of things a whole lot differently but he knows that he can no longer help the small child that once tugged at his shirt or tagged along after him whenever he left a room or begged him to play with him, bright green eyes huge like saucers. He can no longer change the fact that he did what big brothers do and rejected him to spent time with Sif and the Warriors Three every so often, telling him that his company was not wanted. He can only try to help the terrified bundle that is cowering before him now, pressed against the wall of a palace that corroded his mind while Thor enjoyed his youth to the fullest.</p><p>“Take my hand,” Thor encourages him softly and the realization that a gesture as small as this comes eons too late sears through his gut like a flamethrower. “I promise you I will not hurt you, Loki. You are my little brother. I will keep you safe. Whoever hurt you before”—<em>whiplash scars, that is what the marks are, all be damned, I swear am going to kill the monster who did this to you</em>—“they aren’t here. This is your home. You are safe here.”</p><p>Eventually, Loki uncurls himself and slowly reaches for Thor’s hand with his bony fingers and Thor reaches out to him too, moving very carefully, but Loki isn’t flinching from him anymore. Thor squeezes his hand as carefully as he can, trying to give him at least a little comfort and hoping the touch will not send him into another screaming frenzy. It does not. To Thor’s surprise, Loki throws himself into his arms, crumbling against his chest. He starts weeping too, seriously weeping, but at least he is weeping like an Aesir now and Thor wraps him up in his embrace. He remembers the last time he hugged his brother and is absolutely horrified at how small and bird-like and fragile his body has become since then. Almost as if he might accidentally crush a limb if he did not pay close attention. That is how Loki feels in his arms, like a newborn or a bird or a kitten, rolled into a ball so small that his entire six feet four frame seemingly disappears inside Thor’s legs when he props them up and presses them against Loki’s sides to stop his body from shaking.</p><p>Thor sits there for a long time, holding his brother close, making up for all the hugs he never gave him in the past, until finally, Loki’s weeping slows down to a whimper and sleep pulls him away and his body goes slack in Thor’s arms.</p><p>He sits there until a terrified gasp comes from the door and startles him.</p><p>“L-Loki came home, mother,” croaks the God of Thunder, tears of gratitude welling into his eyes because the queen is skilled in sorcery and he is confident she will heal her little prince. When he glances up, his gaze searching for hers, he does not see confidence in her eyes though. He sees the same mixture of relief and dread on his mother’s face that he felt when he first lay eyes on his brother. Well, not that she can actually lay eyes on him, folded up in Thor’s embrace as he is. Frigga’s lips stand slightly open and she seems lost for words as she sinks to her knees beside them, carefully putting a hand on Loki’s back.</p><p>Thor lifts his arms a little and Frigga gazes at her adoptive son in horrified amazement. “He looks … so small.” A shiver runs through Loki’s body and he shudders, mouth and limbs twitching like those of a cat chasing after her prey in a dream.</p><p>“Loki,” whispers Frigga and, suddenly, Loki’s head jerks upwards, revealing his face to their mother. A cry slips past the queen’s lips at the sight of his sunken cheeks and the bruises on his face. Her fingers fly towards her mouth, clamping it shut. “We need to get him to the healing room. Quick!”</p><p>“I know,” Thor whispers but when he tries to lift him up, Loki’s eyes fly open with a scream and he gazes in horror from Thor to Frigga, dilated pupils huge as dinner plates, breathing rapid and shallow, before he scrambles out of Thor’s arms and crawls away. He only makes it a few steps before his name comes out of Frigga’s mouth in an aghast whisper and he collapses at the sound of her voice, curls up into a ball on the floor, rolls over to the side and covers his head with his arms, burying his face in their crooks.</p><p>“Wh-what happened?” Frigga stammers, her face as pale as the moon.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Thor says softly. “I came in here because I felt … some foreign magic when I returned to my chambers and he was … he was just lying there … I don’t know.”</p><p>“It is me, Loki,” Frigga coos, inching closer towards the trembling bundle that once was her son and despite the horror in front of him, at least her presence is soothing Thor. “Your mother. We want to help you.”</p><p>Loki raises his right arm a tiny little bit and peers at them through the empty space between his limbs.</p><p>“You’re injured,” Frigga continues, her hands slowly traveling to Loki’s arms. “We must make sure that we treat your wounds.” When he doesn’t flinch, she reaches for his hands that are still on top of his head and carefully removes his arms from his face by grabbing them in both of hers, taking down his protective shield. He stares at her, unblinking, no sign of recognition, but the trembling has passed and he lies perfectly still. Thor holds his breath as Frigga keeps both of his hands in one of hers while using the other to stroke his cheek with the back of her fingers. After a while, Loki relaxes against her touch, he even raises his head and nudges her hand, and his lids flutter closed. “He is ice-cold,” she whispers.</p><p>Thor exhales the breath he has been holding.</p><p>“You cannot lie here on the cold floor tiles,” Frigga tells Loki, softly pulling him up into a sitting position by hooking her hands into his armpits. Golden sparks erupt from her fingers and a blanket materializes around Loki’s frame from thin air, and Frigga rubs his back as she did when he was a boy. “We will take you to the healing room, my love. Do you think you can stand up for me?”</p><p>She receives no response but somehow Thor has the eerie feeling that his little brother just signaled his agreement.</p><p>“I am going to carry you, alright?” Thor asks and when Loki doesn’t flinch from him, he lifts him up. A wrecking ball slams into the Thundergod’s gut when he realizes how little effort it costs him.</p>
<hr/><p>The healer’s lips and eyes open wide when her queen and crown prince walk into the healing chambers with Loki.</p><p>“Tell me everything,” demands Eir, her voice hoarse because she has treated him many times as a young child, growing quite fond of him. Thor never understood why until he learned after Loki’s fall that transforming his infant Jotun body into that of an Aesir with a powerful glamour took a toll on him that neither Frigga nor Odin could have anticipated.</p><p>“There is nothing we can tell you,” says Frigga as Thor gently places Loki’s body onto the bed beneath the Soul Forge. His brother cocks his head to the side, glancing up at him. For half a second, Thor is convinced once again that his brother is going to say something but then his head lowers again and he resumes his staring. “We know nothing.”</p><p>Eir nods, her fingers moving swiftly as she conjures the Soul Forge as another healer carefully removes Loki’s scanty clothing, revealing the true scale of the injuries he suffered. What Thor sees first is a brand mark that has been burned into Loki’s skin directly under his left, dangerously protruding clavicle. Thor exhales a deep breath to calm himself before he can look at the rest of his brother’s injuries. Apart from the stigma, there are other burns littering his front torso and his upper arms. There are two other marks on his upper chest and lower belly, two parallel lines each, about two inches apart, where a belt or a strap or chain repeatedly bit into his flesh. The skin on Loki’s back has been ripped open by a whiplash many, many times, the scars arching down his spine in a furious, asymmetrical crisscrossing pattern of pure agony. His upper arms have suffered a similar fate and, on top of that, his entire body looks as if he has been starved for months.</p><p>It takes a moment to fully register with the Thunderer what all of this means.</p><p>His brother, his little brother whom he once swore to protect with his last and every breath, was tortured while Thor resumed his life on Asgard, naively accepting Odin’s proclamation that Loki was shielded from the all-seeing watcher’s gaze and that there was nothing they could do to locate him.</p><p>Thor glances at his mother, whose hands have traveled to her mouth, her eyes glistering with tears of agony.</p><p>“He suffered internal damage as well,” Eir tells them softly, her tone almost apologetic as she inspects the glimmering orange veins of the Soul Forge. “He has a vascular contusion and several broken ribs but we shall be able to heal his physical injuries. Prepare a healing potion,” she instructs one of the healers, who sets herself in motion at once.</p><p>“What about his mind?” Thor asks because both Asgardians and Giants are very resistant to physical injury, their bodies allowing them to recover swiftly from the most threatening of wounds. And, even if the sight of his brother’s mutilated torso nauseates him, Loki’s physical injuries are not what alarms Thor the most. What alarms him the most is the brittle state of his brother’s volatile mind.</p><p>“It has been infested by an ancient magic,” Eir replies and Frigga draws closer. “You see that, my Queen?”</p><p>“See what?” asks Thor, terror sprouting in the pit of his stomach.</p><p>Eir’s face is a grimace. “If I did not know any better, I would say that this mind has been corrupted by—”</p><p>“An Infinity Stone,” whispers Frigga, all color draining from her face.</p><p>Eir gives a slow, reluctant nod.</p><p>“An Infinity Stone?” echoes Thor. “What is that?”</p><p>“These stones are ancient artifacts of infinite destruction originating from a powerful being whose existence predates our universe,” mumbles Frigga, her hand traveling to the crown of Loki’s head, softly stroking over her son’s hair. “The magic contained inside of them is a match for only a few.”</p><p>“Can you heal it?” Thor asks, his voice broken and small.</p><p>“I shall try,” Eir promises them</p>
<hr/><p>She does try.</p><p>By Odin’s ravens, Eir does try everything in her power to heal Loki’s mind and so does Frigga but all of their attempts come to nothing, eventually forcing Thor to resign himself to the thought that, even though his brother physically fought his way back home from wherever he was after he plunged into the abyss of space, it is not his Loki who came back. It is a diminished version of his brother, his once so brilliant mind lying in ruins.</p><p>Even as his physical wounds heal, he continues to stare into nothingness all day with dead green eyes, barely reacting to his surroundings. Barely reacting to their touch or the sound of their voices. He screams at night and sometimes during the day, crumbling right in front of Thor, crawling away from him like a wounded beast, crying, shaking, sobbing, until the terror passes and he feels somewhat safe again.</p><p>He has to be fed, bathed and clothed.</p><p>He walks around the palace like a ghost on unsteady legs sometimes but spends most of his time in his bed, where Frigga vigilantly watches by his side, reading to him or conjuring up illusions of flowers, birds and butterflies to give him something to focus on.</p><p>For a long time, Thor was convinced that Loki died when he fell and, in a way, he was right because Loki’s essence did die. It was poisoned, tainted, corrupted, and now there is nothing left but an empty, physical shell.</p><p>And years later, when Odin Allfather sends the Mighty Thor to Midgard to aid the mortals in fighting off a hostile invasion, he comes face to face with a mad purple foe from the planet of Titan attacking the human world for another Infinity Stone.</p><p>Thor fights and vanquishes him, as is his duty as a sworn protector of the Nine Realms, but he will never find out that he actually slayed the monster who broke his little brother’s will.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I warned you, didn't I?</p><p>*quietly retreats to work on Aftermath*</p></blockquote></div></div>
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